I know, I know. In the past two weeks, we talked about breakups, divorces, aggressive partners, and all those things. I recently had a relationship and trust me, these are not the topics I like to study in class. However, the good news is, today’s article (and also articles after) mainly talks about how to prevent the dark side of relationships from happening. FYI, 64% of Americans report they are “very happy” in their relationship, and people aged 25-34 report having the happiest relationships of all. So you’re highly likely to be fine (at least for another ten years).

Okay, let’s draw our attention back to our topic. Is there anything we can do to not break up? If so, is it reliable? Luckily, yes. In the Is Skills Training Necessary for the Primary Prevention of Marital Distress and Dissolution (2013) article, authors demonstrate that skills training (The Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program, or PREP, and Compassionate and Accepting Relationships Through Empathy, aka CARE) can help couples lower their rates of dissolution——a fancy word for divorces and breakups. The problem is, these two approaches supposedly have different aims. That is to say, PREP should do a better job of dealing with negative behavior, while CARE should tackle more on emotional support and affection. However, no such pattern is observed. Admittedly, as a non-researcher or a person who just wants a stable relationship, why should we care which tactic do what? Do we really need “training” to teach us how to be happy? There’re 64% of Americans think they are happy after all. In the article, researchers also point out that people already possess all the skills, and all they need is to give them directions. The third approach introduced in the paper is one of our old friends——Relationship Awareness (RA). Researchers find that RA can generate similar outcomes to coulees who received skills training. Even better, to increase RA, there is no training required, and which I quote “low-dose, low-cost” interventions are enough. Couples can easily utilize this tactic in their daily lives. 

If you’re here for more practical advice, don’t get frustrated. Benjamin Karney, a Social psychology professor at UCLA, has something to say. 

In his literature review and also in his paper, he finds out that those “happiest” couples can clearly identify whatever aspects of their relationship are most positive (Neff & Karney, 2003). Some may question this trend because nearly every relationship begins like this. However, he later points out over time, as specific aspects of the relationship change, with some parts becoming more positive and some becoming more negative, the couples who stay happiest overall are the ones who change their beliefs about what is important in their relationships accordingly, deciding that whatever aspects of the marriage have declined must not be so important after all (Neff & Karney, 2003). In Karney’s different article, he states that “one way spouses can do this is by generating explanations for a spouse’s failings that limit any broader implications those failings may have” (Neff & Karney, 2005). Translate that into something I can understand would be Complain but not blame. For example, if I feel my part is distant to me one evening, I can attribute her behavior as an outcome of a difficult day at work (rather than a sign of a lack of interest in me), means that I fully acknowledge the negative behavior has no impact for my relationship. It’s just one of those days.
We don’t need to be psychology professionals to know maintaining relationships can sometimes be hard. People who think it’s easy are either lying or extremely lucky. But there are ways, many actually, to help us keep a healthy relationship. Please, have fun, and more importantly, have faith!

Reference:

1. Rogge, R. D., Cobb, R. J., Lawrence, E., Johnson, M. D., & Bradbury, T. N. (2013). Is Skills Training Necessary for the Primary Prevention of Marital Distress and Dissolution? A 3-year Experimental Study of Three Interventions. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 81, 949-961 

2. Neff, L. A., & Karney, B. R. (2003). The dynamic structure of relationship perceptions: Differential importance as a strategy of relationship maintenance. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29, 1433-1446.

3. Neff, L. A., & Karney, B. R. (2005). To know you is to love you: The implications of global adoration and specific accuracy for marital relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 88, 480-497.

4 .eHarmony. (n.d.). 64 Percent of Americans Say They’re Happy In Their Relationships. Retrieved November 1, 2021, from https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/64-percent-of-americans-say-theyre-happy-in-their-relationships-300595502.html

3 Replies to “Enough for breakups? Here are some tips

  1. Love this post! I definitely read this article in a negative light but I think its great you took another direction. I like how the researchers Neff and Karney stated that happiness looks different overtime and can be changed accordingly. Thus going with the notion that relationships are work but it is very possible to have a very happy one.

  2. I appreciate the example you provide in the end, demonstrating what, to me, feels like avoiding a dispositional attribution regarding your partner. Instead of (over)thinking about why a spouse/partner seems distant or off at some point and believing it’s due to a lack of interest, it’s important to consider that their day might’ve been extremely difficult/stressing or any other factors that may be the actual reason they seem distant/off. We should look to avoid immediately attributing behavior to internal factors and take the time to consider external factors towards maintaining strong and healthy relationships.

  3. I really appreciated the positive spin you took on the past couple of classes we had! Especially after watching the ted talk by Eli Finkel and learning that satisfaction usually declines throughout relationships and marriages, it is nice to know that 64% of Americans are very happy in their relationships. It was also encouraging to hear that no fancy training is required to be in a healthy, stable relationship, and that the one main thing that we should focus on is the complaint itself, and not criticizing our partner for their character flaws.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.