You’ve probably heard the expression “actions speak louder than words,” referring to the idea that what someone does is much more meaningful and revealing than what someone merely says. For example, your romantic partner might offer a loving assurance, such as, “I really care about you.” But then your 1 year anniversary comes around and they choose to go to the bar with the boys instead of spending the day with you, suggesting they don’t actually care about you. Or, at the very least, they care more about the boys than they care about you — undeniably a red flag and possibly means for an immediate breakup if you ask me.
Of course, most real-world situations are much more grey than this hypothetical example. So, what role do actions and words play in a relationship? Is one more effective than the other, or is a delicate balance between actions and words necessary for a well-functioning relationship?
Chandler et al.1 sought to examine how commitment — defined as “present psychological attachment to and orientation toward a relationship partner” and “intention to persist with a partner into the future” — manifests in a relationship. In particular, the researchers analyze two variables and how they relate to commitment and each other: time spent together (minutes in the physical presence of your partner) and the use of daily assurances (such as sharing that you see a future with your partner). For the purpose and framing of this article, I consider time spent together as an “action” and daily assurances as “words,” although the researchers never make this analogy and would most likely (and correctly) consider it trivial.
Among several key findings, the researchers found that greater commitment was positively associated with greater time spent together. So, actions speak loudly! Additionally, researchers found that greater commitment was positively associated with daily assurances. Hey, words speak loudly too!
But beyond these associations, the researchers also uncovered a fascinating mediation: more committed partners used more assurances, and partners who used more assurances were more likely to spend time together. See Figure 1 for the mediation model from Chandler et al.
In other words, more committed partners use more assurances and, in turn, spend more time together. This mediation suggests that perhaps the “loudest” expression of love is a balance between actions and words, as using assurances can increase how much time you want to spend together.
Building off of these findings, Gordon et al.2 find that people who feel more appreciated by their partners are also more appreciative of their partner, as well as more committed to maintaining their relationship, more responsive to their partner’s needs, and more likely to be in their relationship 9 months later. In other words, feeling appreciated in a relationship is vital because it can foster reciprocal appreciation and relationship maintenance in your partner. See Figure 1 for the proposed process model of appreciation and relationship maintenance from Gordon et al.
Like Chandler et al., these researchers find that expressing gratitude and appreciation for your partner has positive impacts on a relationship in both the short and long term. Saying something nice to your partner will make them more likely to express gratitude in return, suggesting the heightened importance of words in a relationship.
Finally, Kubacka et al.3 add even more weight to these findings. Researchers found that feelings of gratitude contribute to relationship maintenance behaviors and higher responsiveness. Moreover, increased gratitude, maintenance behaviors, and responsiveness make your partner more likely to exhibit these same behaviors in return.
It’s clear that both actions and words are essential for a well-functioning relationship, but the two latter studies show a heightened importance of words — perhaps undermining the age-old expression. Expressing appreciation for and commitment to your partner will make you want to spend even more time together, and it can also produce longer relationships, enhanced responsiveness, and reciprocal expressions of gratitude. And, ideally, it will ensure that you spend your 1 year anniversary with your significant other and not the boys.
- Chandler, K. R., Don, B. P., Jolink, T. A., Murphy, B. P., & Algoe, S. B. (2024). Making the future a reality: Commitment assurances and time investment in daily life. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 41(1), 225-246. ↩︎
- Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2012). To have and to hold: gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. Journal of personality and social psychology, 103(2), 257. ↩︎
- Kubacka, K. E., Finkenauer, C., Rusbult, C. E., & Keijsers, L. (2011). Maintaining close relationships: Gratitude as a motivator and a detector of maintenance behavior. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(10), 1362-1375.
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It captured my attention that the words of assurance can spark an increase in time spent together. This seems to align with the concept of ‘bids’ from Gottman’s theories, where small pieces of verbal and nonverbal communication can lead to a deeper connection. Also, the inclusion of Gordon et al.’s (2012) and Kubacka et al.’s (2011) research on gratitude strengthens the case for words having a strong impact. It’s interesting how these expressions of appreciation can set off a positive feedback loop that boosts relationship satisfaction and longevity.
Moreover, your post echoes a core theme from our course: relationships thrive on a balance of verbal affirmations and quality time, with each reinforcing the other. The practical takeaway seems to be to not just show you care through actions but to also explicitly state your feelings and appreciation.
I think this is a great summary of the findings from the article and agree that both words and actions are important to maintaining a relationship. I think that the alignment of words and actions is also really important and contributes to the perceived commitment of a partner. If you are hearing words of affirmation from your partner but their actions do not match their promises or vice versa, this could take away from the benefits of these types of assurance.
This is a really interesting topic! I thought you explained all the studies and their findings really clearly (love the incorporation of the figures!). While reading, the idea of the five love languages came to mind. As you addressed, both actions and words are undeniably very valuable, but I wonder if people who lean more towards words of affirmation are affected more by words, while those who value quality time are more moved by actions.
I really enjoyed reading your blog post! I love the way you nuanced the saying “actions speak louder than words” as it’s often thrown around. It’s interesting how words underlie actions and time spent together being pursued at all. I also liked the incorporation of findings on appreciation, and would be interested to see how acts of appreciation (rather than words of appreciation) would benefit relationships. Tying back to the phrase, though, it’s possible that actions speak louder than words, (in that they may be more visible, tangible, etc.), but that it’s the words that are the foundation for actions being so beneficial.
I found this post really insightful, especially the analogy of the “loudest” expression of love being a combination of actions and words, as evidenced by the mediation effect observed in the Chandler et al. (2024) study. I also found the association with responsiveness really interesting, since the concept of perceived partner responsiveness as a function of attachment style and relationship strength is one that we have been discussing so much throughout the semester.
This is a really great blog post, Nick! Your part about going out with the boys made me laugh, but it is an actual concern and action that happens all the time, and I’ve seen it before with my friends at Colgate. Words and actions are both so important for a relationship, and while reading your article I couldn’t stop thinking about types of attachment. The more appreciative your partner is of you, the more secure you will likely feel in the relationship, and the same for less appreciative equals more insecurity in the relationship.