Are you the type of guy who can just walk up to a beautiful girl at the bar and ask to buy her a drink? Or maybe you are a woman who’s sitting next to a handsome passenger on your flight, and you strike up a conversation and ask for his number by the time you’ve landed. Some people are better in these situations than others, but what about when it comes to something like breakups or rejecting a person who asked to go on a date? You might think that you will be completely capable of rejecting someone, but what about when they are standing only a couple of feet away from you? In the heat of the moment, it’s not as easy as you might have originally thought.1 Is it easier to send the bad news via text message?
First, let’s talk about breaking up with your significant other. Let’s say you and your partner have been dating for over two years. Unfortunately, over the last couple of months, you’ve been having some thoughts about breaking up because for some reason you think you have fallen out of love. You know that it is nobody’s fault and that neither of you did anything wrong; it just might be time to move on from your partner. After another week of debating, you finally realize that you must rip the bandaid off and go your separate ways. You call your partner, ask to meet up, and talk about something important, and then when the time finally comes and you’re staring them right in the face, you can barely get the words out. So what happened?
There could be many factors why it was harder than expected to communicate with your partner the feelings you’ve had for a few months. One very interesting study found that initiators of the break-up are often concerned about how their partner will take the difficult news and are worried that their partner will see them as a terrible and inconsiderate person.2 Furthermore, because you are the one who has fallen out of love, initiating the breakup might make you feel guilty about hurting someone who still has strong feelings towards you.3
Every year, technology is becoming more and more prevalent in society and influencing relationships in new ways. Because it’s much easier to shoot off a text message or pick up the phone and call, individuals who have bad news for their partner would rather give their partner tough, stressful information like a breakup using a phone rather than discuss it in person. In other words, it is easier for most individuals to cut it off or reject someone using their phone, computer, etc, rather than discussing the issue face to face. It is in these difficult, socially anxious moments where individuals would prefer to text rather than converse with their partner face to face.4 One study found that college students in long-distance relationships rarely are face-to-face when breaking up. Texting was found to be the main method of breakups when the couples were geographically far apart.5
All in all, no matter who you are and how confident you are, do not overestimate the difficulties of cutting someone off. Preparation for these hard moments is a good idea, but do not be surprised if you freeze during the actual face-to-face interaction.
- Joel, S., Teper, R., & MacDonald, G. (2014). People Overestimate Their Willingness to Reject Potential Romantic Partners by Overlooking Their Concern for Other People. Psychological Science, 25(12), 2233-2240. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797614552828
- Perilloux, C., & Buss, D. M. (2008). Breaking up romantic relationships: Costs experienced and coping strategies deployed. Evolutionary Psychology, 6(1), 164–181. https://doi.org/10.1177/147470490800600119
- Baumeister, R. F., Wotman, S. R., & Stillwell, A. M. (1993). Unrequited love: On heartbreak, anger, guilt, scriptlessness, and humiliation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64(3), 377–394. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.64.3.377
- Chen, Y. A., & Toma, C. L. (2023). To text or talk in person? Social anxiety, media affordances, and preferences for texting over face-to-face communication in dating relationships. Media Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1080/15213269.2023.2246895
- Choi, M., & Toma, C. L. (2017). Social sharing with friends and family after romantic breakups: Patterns of media use and effects on psychological well-being. Journal of Media Psychology: Theories, Methods, and Applications, 29(3), 166–172. https://doi.org/10.1027/1864-1105/a000226 (Supplemental)
I think that this blog post is incredibly thought- provoking and the conversation regarding technology and the maintenance relationships is one that needs further consideration. The ease many feel about breaking up with their partner over the phone rather than in person may indicate how technology may interfere with our capacity to form and maintain close relationships. I would be very curious to learn more about this topic.
Really surprising and concerning that “Texting was found to be the main method of breakups when the couples were geographically far apart.” I can understand if someone is in a long-distance relationship and has to break up over the phone because they will not see their partner in person for a long time. However, I can’t understand the decision to choose text over a phone call. Reading words on a screen is so much different than actually hearing and/or seeing someone say the words aloud; it is more impersonal, detached, and brief. It almost signals that you don’t want to take the time to call the person. So, while texting has allowed for easier and quicker long-distance communications, it has also created a surprisingly common (and potentially harmful) strategy for breakups.